Whimsical Rants

This time around, the runs hit differently. Definitely having a different perspective from my previous HM preps and regular Fun Run runs. After last weekends random just-run-it 21km, it made me realise that I didn’t need a medal or event to prove myself, to validate myself. I, can run. My race, my pace. 

No cheering squad, flag off horn, running crowd. Just me, myself & I.

So, ok, I registered for my HM in April, hit the ground training,  running, slogging and trained more only to NOT wake up to my alarm clock BUT…BUT I actually decided to go fuxk-it, i’m still going running. 

         The bib that got bubbed

The flatlay that fell flat.

I’m not sure what drove me. 

Maybe it was the adrenaline or maybe it was out of fear. The fear that….it could be my last HM. It’s that fear that…I might not be able to do it again….so, I just needed to get out there, to see, maybe, if I still had it. That zest, that mojo I use to have pre-cancer days.

Yeah, cancer does that to you. No matter how hard you try to shelve it, hide it, ignore it, there are days that it will creep up behind you, tap you on the shoulder, you look back to see this dark face and it asks 

“Hey, long time no see, catch you later” 

And then dissapear back into the dark recess of my head.

It’s the fear of recurrence, when cancer comes back. A recurrence will simply throw me off the cliff of my structured running plans. The reason why I run, it keeps me ‘busy’. This will defo derail me. It took me 4 years to get back into my running shoes, change my mindset. Slow kan but hey, everyone heals differently. 

It was in March 2023 during a routine follow up with my onco, Dr Mastura Md Yusof of Pantai Medical Hospital, Bangsar stress the importance of keeping a healthy lifestyle. The need to lose weight to reduce recurrence. So from that day onwards, I set out to sort myself out. 4 years late to the running party. I dont know what stopped me back then, maybe I wasn’t in the right frame of mind. 

I was like “eh, gila lah, tak boleh jadi ni..i need to get out of here..”

The only way out is up!

There it began, my running journey. My running away from cancer. My runs that quiet the mind. No need to wait for an event. Well, if ada, bonus la 😅 but at then end of the day, a run sure does help me stay sane. Endorphins, dopamine and all.

Time ni lah, I started reading up on how to improve my runs, how to fuel during runs and what mindset you needed. Pouring over youtubes and blogs, IG and TT. I am proud to say that I am much more prepared now than my last 2 HMs where my fueling was concerned. Started testing out energy gels seriously because I needed to train with these too and it’s too important to skip.

Ok, imma stop here and continue later on how my training went.

Toodles.

Gosh, has it been that long? Last post dated October 2017 and here I am 7 years later, back again in October 2023. Where do I start? Where have I been? What have I been up to? What’s going on? 🙂

Well, it’s been a roller coaster ride for sure. Everything was going fine, kids and husband picked up surfing, me, doing my own thing…

Enter 2019….and everything went downhill from there onwards. A routine annual mammogram/ultrasound, y’know, the usual health screenings you do when you reach your 40s. So it turned out, I had cancer. Yes, the big C. Breast cancer you could imagine the panic I went through. Hubs was abroad and I was on the verge of losing my mind.

I, shut down.

I told doc when can I have this operation to remove the growth. Yes, I was THAT eager. I was not going to wait a few months or week. so we had to go through the procedure of biopsy, staging, surgery, restaging, treatment. Alhamdulillah, fast forward, all this was completed within 3 months. Based on the stage of my cancer, I was only recommended lumpectomy, radiotherapy and a 5 year prescription of oral meds. I followed through. Avoided cancer muggles and all the call outs to try herbal drinks and meet ‘special people’. I had my head deep in researching my cancer online although i was warned by my Doctors to not dig deep or it WILL do my head in. I thought to myself, please give me some time and space to grieve over losing the OLD me and accepting a new normal of living off 6 month blocks of routine scans and follow-ups. Some how I felt glad I dug up info about pre and post cancer treatment. I felt better prepare to face a new challenge standing before me. Nobody told me the real battle begins AFTER you’ve completed your treatment.

Okay, i’m sleepy. Dah nak masuk 5 series ni, sleep is precious. Tomorrow I will write more.

It hurts. Just thinking of you, hurts. Just looking at you, hurts. You are like an empty vessel of skin, bones and a gut constantly needed to be fed. It hurts thinking of how you came to be. How you are now coccooned in your own world, constantly escaping reality in your dreams, hiding behind veils of smoke and riding the high waves that run through your veins. Not a day goes by without me wondering how will you be when they are gone. I cannot put a blind eye and ear to this. I know. Because I saw. I heard. I grew with it. I am probably, even half of you because we had it the same. Only difference is that I took a different exit. 

They are lucky and they will never know. 😢😢

Maybe this explains why. I find it easier to rant quietly here. Married, connected but not quite here nor there.

Sometimes I hate looking at myself in the mirror. 2 kids onwards and I feel and look like a 50 year old. 

So thankful I have my husband to give me that push. On top of that, I need to be mindful of what I eat. More greens and nuts. Yes, eat like a bird. 

It still saddens me thinking how things took a 360° turn. I still come around this Lane of Memories to question, to dig deep and to hope.
I remember clearly, the chain of events that lead to this awkward meeting. It was a rainy day. Claps of thunder outside this mamak in the Boulevard of Mid Valley Megamall.

How a call out to talk about something made me wonder. Why’d he make the effort to come all the way here? Why did he come alone? Motives?

After a 3hr showdown of sorts. I came to the conclusion that it was out of pity. Pity that to him, kawan should  not makan kawan. Pity that I should’ve known better. That the alarm bells were ringing for ages but I chose to close one ear and hang on because you….

…you were my only friend.

Pity it came to this. Pity that this is how I decided to end a friendship. I wish I didn’t have to but damage had been done and trust had been severed.

Fast forward 11 years today, our schoolmates are all organizing gatherings, BFF holidays, movie time and here I am, lurched in a dark corner of my mind. Still in the dark about many things. Still wish I had answers. Maybe I should have replied your Selamat Hari Raya text wish but I was too upset.

So many what ifs now but maybe it was meant to be. If you do come across this. Do know, that I do think about you. Still do. You know where to find me. Take care.

So, THAT happened.

Tired of congak-mencongak how much to spend at the spa. Decided to make my own pot of sugarwax. What would cost MYR40.++ above, could easily cost less than MYR10 to make on your own. Didn’t expect it to be so easy to make. Totally sold on this. No more trips to the beauty parlor 😎 ONLY because this is not my first time waxing and am already familiar with the technique of stripping. I can use it hot or cold. With or without a strip cloth and most of all, I can take my time.

Here’s where I got my recipe:

Make your own sugar wax

Selamat mencuba! 😎

I should get back to blogging. Tired of that ‘restraint’ you need when updating posts on FB. So much to say but not sure about going on a rant there. One liners, cryptic talk. Meh.

Anyhoo, I’ve been busy. Not with work but with 2 bungling kids on my back 367/24/7 and not forgetting the neverending waterfall of house chores. The list goes on.

In between, I try to make time for myself. A must. When you’re bordering on depression and silent meltdowns, you really need some time out. He doesn’t think I am depressed. He thinks nothing is bothering me. It’s I, I seem to be bothered by everything around me. He thinks.

2 school-going kids, later, here I am. Partially, still a mess. Minding my own thing, not in need to know who’s doing who, what or where. Extrovert gone introvert. Prefer being on my own. Day in, day out. Housewife macam ni lah. Cook, clean, catch up with the kids, catch up with husband, yada yada yada. While all of my friends have now stepped up a level with kids in their teens and earning their Hajjahs and Haji’s. I am still down here, silently wishing and hoping. For what, I don’t know but simply living simply. Appreciating the little things that come and go. Living within our means. Alhamdulillah, cukup makan.

Will update later, time’s up. Time to pick up the kids 😉

 

 

  

Trust is a big, fragile thing. Speaking from experience. Nowadays, I am pretty happy being on my own. Doing my own thing. Keeping busy. Keeping distracted. Don’t see the need of having a ‘BFF’, maybe I just lost that chance. Maybe it’s too late. You don’t build friendships overnight, right?

But I do think it must be nice having a BFF but then again…you have nights-out…stay-overs..coffee chit-chat..a shoulder to cry on…

Nah…I’ll just get on on my own…

Tired. Just thinking of it is already tiring….